Death, Getting Older, Acceptance

I had accepted my mortality many years ago.
You see, I shouldn't be alive at this moment due to the medical stuff I endured. Not to mention the intentional harm I repeatedly did upon myself. My body, my mind, my soul...
HERE I AM, though... Kind of complacent and anxious about the current situation. The situation?
LIFE my friend, simply life.

Pardon me if I grammatically stumble through this blog, but it must be expressed and left in the digital underground.

Death: The particular deaths I have experienced over the last 9 years has been nauseating. The manor in which they happened, my relation to the person, my emotional investment in them, up to becoming just solemn about it. It is part of life, yet it confuses the hell out of me. While I walk around with a surgically repaired heart, people are dropping dead from either illness, or their own hand. These are not older individuals either. Young people, 20's, 30's, 40's... I recall a teen death that really bothered me as an adult. A kid I knew and helped us carry band equipment into our gigs.

The reasons why I have heard are "It's gods will" and other cliches because we humans have no fucking idea what else to call it. Death, dead, gone... into tomorrow. Passed back into the universe like an exploding star. Our energy fades and we begin a new journey. It is fun to think of what that journey may be. Make up stories, have faith in something... When your faith is purely just "Your dead", it is a bit scary.

What is it to not exist? After years of conscious mind and awareness it seems unfathomable to NOT have it.

Signing off