Shame...

There are things that can make a person behave in a way that complicates their current emotional state. Knowing that, and knowing what can cause it, why is the events seem to just be random happenings? Preventable yet inevitable.

There are points when I am writing this and really do not know who the fuck reads it, or who the fuck cares. I expect no one to care, honestly... But who is reading it and how personal can I get. How much should I censor myself? Since I am a single parent how much info would damage my parental reputation. (Fuck you if you judge me anyway, my kid is well fed, well dressed, loved, and is my world.) My problems are mine, and YEA, whose parents issues didn't affect them in some fucking way. Albeit if your parent was an addict, drunk, whore, or financially irresponsible. As long as you grew up loved, fed, and not abused... Your O-Fucking-K in my book.

SO some things happened that I thought I had left in my past. NO it is not drugs, or abuse, or anything that would have ever harmed anyone else. In this instance I am the victim, of my own hand. Cutting, the trend that swept emo kids for years. The method of showing that your a fucked up person seeking attention. I assure you that NEVER have I cut my wrist, ankles, legs, etc... To get the attention of someone else. I hid it, and I hid it real fucking well. Sometimes made up "Stunt related injury" stories, or drunken excuses of falling. Everyone knew better. So I started carving up my legs. Who sees those after all right?

That motion of a blade slicing across your skin, the blood, the pain... THE SHAME.
I do NOT fucking understand it and I am disgusted with it. My existence feels futile and irrelevant to the rest of society. My life is not, nor has it ever fucking been NORMAL! If I wasn't being told I was going to die at 4 yrs old, I was having heart surgery, then in the hospital times over 13 times by the time I was 12 fucking years old! If I wasn't being beaten up, bullied, shunned, FUCK YOU SOCIETY!

I want to be a musician, but I can barely pick up the guitar without being disgusted with what comes out. Assholes call me a mediocre guitar player, people close to me have such a lack of appreciation for the fucking ART of music I am told "Maybe singing isn't your thing" or "Maybe take some lessons". Did VanGough take fucking lessons to improve his technique?

Anyway, I am pissed, ashamed of myself, and complacent in misery. I am going to go for now.